My Ding-a-ling

Let’s begin with my ding-a-ling.

I used to think I had a problem. I used to think that it was me. And so it might have been, but partly. Only partly.

Because now, recently, I’ve come to see it in a different way. After having read that depression is only a rational way to respond to an intolerable environment, and that drugs only mask that problem without addressing what is actually wrong—our culture—I see that what I had regarded as my free-floating anxiety—a symptom, perhaps of Asperger’s—may better be considered to be an inbuilt bullshit-ometer that measures existential angst.

It’s a tool—and a very sensitive one—that helps me to stay true to myself. It steers me in no uncertain manner away from making a fool of myself in one way or another (think Wellington 1976). It kicks in whenever I veer from my personal path.

Recently I’ve felt myself floundering. I’ve felt overwhelmed, on edge, ill at ease. And the guts of it, is that I need to take the bull by the horns. I’ve got to become proactive. I need to plot myself out a course instead of responding to what comes my way. Proactivity instead of reactivity.

For me what that means it that I’ve got to get my house in order. The first business at hand is to cobble together my unique world view. For this, I don’t need to start from scratch; in one way or another, from various angles, I’ve spent the better part of my life, no, the best, examining what it means to be me, or for me to be. (“Think carefully and clearly please.”) On the other hand, I don’t believe that this will be a weekend job. The work will be ongoing. But if I get the framework up, then that will do in the meantime.

A world view that incorporates all that I know—or grok—is necessary for me to live my life my way. It need not affect what I actually do (go to Atamai next year, for example) but it is crucial to satisfy my ding-a-ling/bullshit-ometer. How I see the world determines how I relate to it, operate within it etc. And so I’ll tackle that first before anything else. Rather conveniently, I have a month on my own (July, 2008) to devote to that task.